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Short Stories

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#21
Yachiru

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How was mine?


i liked mine better....
but seriously im not a writer but i have done alot of art and all art forms are in some ways similar

so like drawing you are not making a figure but rather subtly hint at things and let the viewer fill in the rest
also like cat said you really got to pour a good chunk of time in to anything even if its really good before it will appear that way.

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#22
cats213

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Hobbes, try critiquecircle.com and let them help you with your writing.
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#23
Hobbes

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But was the story

A) Spectacular!
B)Good
C)What?
D) Why the hell did you write this?
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#24
Yachiru

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Which one? Mine or his? Lol. Besides the whole identity thing was the premise. The title and ending went hand in hand. Most people expected the main character to be luck, i mean he is lucky, it plays out as if he is luck, etc. The point was to surprise, and in the end he is fate. I have considered writing a sequel from his point of view of being fate, not sure yet, not clear on how i would approach it.


ya but thats the thing i was actually really interested when the knocked the kid out like it was some crazy scam everyone was in on, but then it became mr luck is really unlucky and i felt ehhh its been done before and besides,
the only real lucifer is jon lovits
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#25
cats213

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Im torn between c and d to be honest.
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#26
Hobbes

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Well, I thought the zombie story was better than the one about the cookie.
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#27
cats213

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The thing is, its not much of a story, it didnt make much sense, and the talent behind writing it was lacking.
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#28
Hobbes

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So I am just going to give my story a B, I don't think it is spectacular, not perfect...
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#29
Hobbes

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The thing is, its not much of a story, it didnt make much sense, and the talent behind writing it was lacking.

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#30
Jack24

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Urgh stop reminding me to do my essay with your stories.:P

#31
cats213

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You kidding me? I have an 8 page paper due at 12:15 tomorrow. My solution? These forums + facebook + a whole fucking pot of coffee.
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#32
Hobbes

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Sounds like a good fuckin' plan! How many pages have you gotten?
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#33
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I had to write an essay one time, 1000 words and it was due by the next day. Well, at least I made an F+!
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#34
cats213

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Lol, how many pages? I havent even opened microsoft word yet. But an 8 page paper aint that bad. One time i wrote a 12 page paper the day before and got an A- on it. Another time i had an 8 page paper for a book i hadnt even read. Wrote it in 4 hours (half that time procrastinating). Got a 90 on it with the teachers comments telling me i had great points. Still havent read the book lol.
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#35
Rob1k

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Well since everyone else is sharing their stories i'll share mines. Here is the first two pages from my most recent story i wrote for class. TBH i don't really like it but i was trying something different then the dark stories i usually right so meh.


I guess this just was a normal day for me. Big John versus I and kids surrounding us ready to watch, point, laugh, or film me getting beat up. I never got any help, but I guess that was because everyone was scared of Big John. I remember the last guy that tried to help someone who Big John was beating up. I still see him every now and then. He takes the short yellow bus to school and is missing half of his teeth. Big John punched him right on his right cheek and knocked out ever tooth on that side of his mouth. Of course Big John doesn’t ever get in trouble. He never gets in trouble because his father is the principle. But this time it was going to be different. This time I was going to stand up to him. He approached me with his usual strong man walk. A ruthless stomp with his head always slanted to right like it was resting on his shoulder or something. He would walk right up and say the same thing every time “Where is my money and my lunch.” I would cower for a few minutes and apologize. Then I would just hand over everything. He scared me into doing his homework then stole my money and lunch. But this time I was going to stand my ground. He walked over to me and I stood there with a confidence I’ve never had before. “You’re not getting my lunch money this time John.” I shook a little and stood straight up. You could hear the gasps from the kids who were watching. Big John stood in front of me and I did the first thing I could think of. I mustered up all the strength I could and stomped on Big Johns toe then reached my foot back as far as I could and kicked him in the balls. Big John fell to his knees and yelled in a very deep voice. A huge feeling of relief ran all through me and I felt as though I had just won a war. Unfortunately it wasn’t over. Big John wasn’t even down for ten seconds. He looked at me and began to charge. I did the first thing I could think of. I ran down the hall as fast as I could. I turned the corner and almost slipped and fell on my ass. I was at the end of hall with no place to go. Big John walked up to me. Much faster and much angrier then he was before. He struck me twice. Once right in the stomach and again on the side. He would have continued punching me but a teacher was coming down the hall. He pretended to be picking me up and whispered in my ear “Tomorrow. You won’t be walking home.”
When I got home I hurried up the stairs into my room and locked the door behind me. I rubbed my stomach and could feel a large bruise on my side. It hurt much worse than it did earlier today. I didn’t want to ask my dad for help, because I feared he would just ask questions. Getting my father involved in all of my problems was not something I want to do. I can handle this on my own. I can handle Big John on my own.
I climbed out my window that night and climbed up the fire escape to the roof. It was dark and tonight everything just felt different. Tonight things felt much darker than usual. The stars where brighter, larger, and they felt much closer than usual. I spend a lot of time up here, just thinking about life. How much I wish my life was different, how much I wish my Mother was still around. Just how much I wish things in my life where better. Tomorrow will be better. That’s what I keep telling myself. Maybe one day it will actually be better. Maybe one day a miracle will happen and I won’t have to drag myself home with scars and bruises.
It was late. I was tired so I climbed back down the fire escape and through the window back into my bedroom. There was a package on my bed. It wasn’t my birthday and Christmas was months ago. It was a small red package and has this blue wire strings going around it to bind it together. There was a note attached to the side of it that looked like it was taped there with

#36
Hobbes

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I like it! A few errors, but then, I love it. I am going to use this in the complete short story mix.
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#37
Parlor_Tonic

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So I read the OP and was like, "hey this sounds like it could be fun"

Then I read other posts and realized that fun is not allowed.
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#38
Jeff9co

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Cats, correct me if im wrong, but dosnt a deck of cards have 52 cards in it? In your story it says he has a deck of 52 cards and 1 joker. A deck without jokers is 50 i thought, and then with 1 joker it would be 51 cards. Not trolling, maybe you had a typo on these forums, but just trying to help.

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#39
fatso113

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Cats, correct me if im wrong, but dosnt a deck of cards have 52 cards in it? In your story it says he has a deck of 52 cards and 1 joker. A deck without jokers is 50 i thought, and then with 1 joker it would be 51 cards. Not trolling, maybe you had a typo on these forums, but just trying to help.

No. A-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-J-Q-K in 4 different suits (13*4=52)

#40
cats213

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Originally i had it wrong, but someone who played poker corrected me lol. The number in the story is accurate.
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